Apr 27

How Do I Feel about having Parkinson’s?

A Yogi’s Journey with Parkinson’s – Volume 3

Observing the range of emotions (at least the ones I have recognized) has been “interesting” to say the least…

One unexpected emotion was relief. Relief from the unknown about what has been happening in my body. I expect even more relief when this announcement process is complete. Once everyone knows that I have Parkinson’s Disease, then I won’t feel like I have to hide my symptoms or hide my truth any longer.

I won’t deny there is Fear. But I won’t empower those fears by dwelling on them at this point. They already get more than their fare share of attention (but well less than one might imagine).

Appreciation comes around often. Frequently fueled by Anna’s absolute love and support. She was at the hospital with me when I got the diagnosis and she continues to be my rock in so many ways. Her amazing grasp of the situation and wealth of health knowledge allows us to look at each challenge and figure out “what do we do now?” The out-flowing of love and support of my friends and family is also appreciated, but without Anna by my side, this would be overwhelming.

Somewhat surprisingly, anger has yet to rear its’ ugly head. While not one of my “go to” emotions, I still feel like I should at least WANT to kick the shit out of something.

Then there is Anxiety. There is never a good time to learn that you have Parkinson’s. But my diagnosis happened to land in a week with 20 yoga classes to teach, Mom in the hospital with a broken hip, the launch of an already-delayed yoga retreat registration and one of my long-standing yoga classes being yanked out from under me. Also vying for attention were imminent 80th (Mom) and 50th (Anna) birthdays to be planned and the mental/financial burden of taxes looming over my head. I wanted to scream, “I don’t have time for Parkinson’s!”

Following almost immediately was guilt. How could I “not have time” for a disease that seems bent on screwing up the rest of my life and then killing me? What could be more important? Why wasn’t I reading every book and website? Chasing every sliver of potential hope? Oh wait, my loving partner was already doing all that.

Eventually, I found cautious optimism to see how the “new normal” plays out. But, also enthusiasm to branch off into new directions. I am aggressively incorporating daily meditation and yogic breathing exercises (Pranayama) into my treatment plan. Having long believed in the healing power of both, I have now prescribed them as a part of my daily routine and would not be surprised to see them more actively included in my teaching going forward.

I am extremely grateful that I have already lived such an amazing and wonderful life (and I am NOT done yet). It’s not like I have held back in my quest for life’s essence, nor do I intend to start now.  Much of my gratitude goes out to the amazing and wonderful people I have been blessed to share my life with.

There is still a lingering sense of vulnerability (physical, financial & professional). I recall old episodes of Star Trek where the Enterprise was under attack and their defense shields were compromised. There is a sense that I am having to shift “full power to the front shields” and hope nothing flanks my shields and attacks from the back side. As we know it always does.

Lastly, there is sadness, a mourning for the simplicity and the blissful ignorance of life’s earlier adventures. This marks a new chapter in life and a new normal in lifestyle and behavior. There is no going back. It’s a one-way ticket. I might as well enjoy the journey.

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; For what we leave behind is a part of ourselves; We must die to one life before we can enter another.” – Anatole France

If inspired, please visit: 4 Ways You Can Help or simply Donate

 

DISCLAIMER: The views expressed on this site are my opinions. My words should not be taken as a substitute for qualified medical expertise. This blog is designed to chronicle my journey, share what I learn in the process, and connect with others on a similar path.